.

Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth.

I am.....

MARRIED.

:D

*feeling like a giddy little school girl*

Conscription

Sometimes I have some incredible dreams... worth a film script possibly.
Time to time, they are absolutely bizarre and completely surreal.
The things my mind creates when I am unconscious are amazing sometimes, and to be honest sometimes I wish my mind was more fun when I was awake.

Here is a little story my mind shared with me last night.....
Setting:
Prior to WWII I believe..somewhere on the east coast.

It was around the current time of year. I was wearing a sandy colored jacket and skirt. Very 1930s/40s . There was a black trim on the sleeves as well as along the middle seam and the buttons were black. I had peep toe shoes on and although I quite liked the get up it did not make much sense for the conditions of the dream.

It was a crazy time and the war was desperately calling for more people to fight. I was afraid of this as my fiance, Kevin had not yet been forced to serve. At this time we had all been called to a local factory to be conscripted in one way or another in order to support the war efforts. As religious people I knew Kevin and Perry (who was also in the dream) would not be called to war. at least I hoped that had not changed yet. The Factory was filled with police and tons of people running here and there. There were long lines against the far end of the factory. There were long desks with solemn people standing behind them dealing with each person as their turn approached. Windows behind the these workers revealed a harbour port behind the factory.
This worried me as I realized, our religious beliefs maybe would not stop enrollment to fight this time. Kevin seemed completely calm. I couldn't understand why of course. HIm and Perry were joking as if everything was normal. I felt very afraid of losing my fiance.
We chose a line to stand in and there were papers on tables that were to be filled out. Basically they asked strengths and weaknesses . I guessed this was a way for them to figure out where we best be placed. The options were slimmer for women, and in any case. My strength ended up coming up as housewife. Kevin and Perry both came up with electrician or construction. I was relieved and hoped that this would be their sentence.
Random, the paper that declared I was an ideal house wife had a picture of Marilyn Monroe on it. As I read through the rest of the tacky green paper, the bottom said...2nd choice. actress.
When we got to the front of the line, Kevin and Perry chatted with the homely plain looking woman and man behind the counter who agreed that they would stay home and work for the town. I was relieved. It was then my turn. I started to flip through pages of what they called dream wedding carriages (not sure why). They very much resembled Cinderella's pumpkin carriage. There were elaborate ones and simple ones.... why was this important? I do not know. I figured they were trying to get to me upgrade from middle class status to something else.
Kevin took off while I was still explaining that I wanted to stay engaged to my current fiance. They thought I should marry one of the army generals. I never really found out the verdict, as my dream jumped ahead. I frantically ran out of the factory afraid that I had lost Kevin forever.
My cell phone vibrated.... suddenly I wondered why i had a cell phone. I looked at it, kevin was calling and now i was in a shopping mall I did not recognize.....
THE END.

Sheesh.

?

8 months.... I can't believe the things I've heard, done and seen over this amount of time.
I've come to accept the fact that this time of life is meant to be an adventure. I found I woke up every day for months thinking that things were finally going to settle, but they didn't.
In fact in this moment, I feel more unsettled then I did in the last. Maybe its the preparation for a new life with Kevin, maybe its the years of university coming to a close. Maybe I just feel very unprepared for all that awaits. I actually think I'm very afraid of whats around the corner.
For those of you who have known me for years, you know that growing up I was always up for a challenge. I loved not knowing what would happen next. I thrived on change.
I think I'm having a hard time adjusting to this new me...maybe I don't want to be this person.
I sort of feel distant from most things including God... we haven't been on the best terms recently.
I need answers.... I need my life back. I feel like I'm waiting for something, yet dreading whatever that is....
I feel like there is a train going around and around in my head...its going so fast its leaving destruction in its wake. But its going too fast for anyone to get on, no one can make sense of where its going or why its even doing what its doing......

2 till 22

In 2 days I'll be 22.
Birthdays - always make you think of the future hey?
I really liked the number 21. It meant - legal in all countries but held the idealism that you are just BARELY an adult. 22 is cool but not as comfy as 21.
some of you (whom I already have talked with) will be telling me to shut my mouth as I'm one of the youngest in the group but you were obviously here once too.
You know what my dream was as a kid? to be a teenager!!!! what the sam was wrong with me?!?! haha. Now I just laugh at myself. it just looked like such a cool world to me and I wanted to be part of it. who wants to grow up when being a kid? honestly, I wish i could sit down and talk with my kid self and explain what the teenage years were really like.
So you can guess what i wanted to do when I was an adolescent, be an adult. I wanted to escape the highschool drama and move on with my life. Find a husband, get married, have kids (the typical winkler lifestyle - not that there is anything wrong with it) END OF STORY.
And thats what I pretty much tried to do: write the end of my story. I thought life could be better than what God was giving me.
Humans!!! Who do we think we are?!?!
So now I'm an adult. Highschool drama did not dissapear as I thought it would, some has followed me to this day. I'm a couple years older dealing with alot of the same issues plus new ones. Once again, I wish I could sit down with my adolescent self and tell her about where I am today.
Now I understand this is sounding fairly negative. But this is where it changes.
Everything has changed. I'm aware of my desire for something other than the ending I had written for myself earlier in life. Of course God has played the biggest role in this and kicked me back into my place - as His follower. But not only that, I'm working to not depend on what I think the future will be but realizing how awesome the present is.
And it IS awesome. God has blessed me so incredibly. Just this morning, I woke up full of joy realizing I'm so lucky to just be who I am. I have awesome friends, a great church to attend and the sun is shining brighter than ever outside my window.
In an age where its time to think about the future more than ever I am rebelling.
Who says I have to grow up in the next couple years? 22? 24? 25?
God sure doesn't. He requires only that we Love, Praise and serve Him in each day we live out starting with today.


In 2 days I turn 22. But, I love today.

"My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your
splendor all day long"
Psalms 71:8

This week = Running around.....

(no chickens were hurt in the making of this post)

baby steps..

Well I figured it was probably time to post something a little more positive.
It's not much, but I woke up not feeling sad this morning. Not like I wanted to get up and jump on my bed with joy but I'm so greatful there were no tears.

Also... I'm spending the day with my girlies. And... We have 8th row seats at Rascal Flatts tonight.

Thankyou Lord for happy things.

That tis all...