A needle and thread...

if it were that simple.. i'd stitch it up right now.

I know if i could do that - I wouldn't need God..
thats the point right? needing God?
sigh... such a roller coaster. A couple weeks ago I was praising Him for the wonderful things He's been doing in my life - and here I am questioning why He does the things He does....

I find I'm living just to pass the time recently - doing whatever I can to distract myself from the dark truth that seems to exist as my current reality.

well - the vase above i poured my energy into last week- just a thread... attempting to pass the time stitching up something I know I can't fix. The more i try -the further it comes undone.

boom

"Love is a minefield. You take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess that's human nature. It hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow up than be single"

A fresh breath of deep air

we all do it... we become so self involved that we are blind to everything but the things we have chosen to focus on. For some reason - these are usually the negative influences in our life. It's so hard to see past the hurt, the pain, the things that are not going well in our lives.
I've been guilty of this so much over the last year. I barely give God a chance at showing me grace. I mean its not like I haven't declared to Him, "I want to know you more" or " I want to find joy in You", Because i have... but I've never looked past the things that I figure He will reveal Himself to me through. I look at the ways I want Him to show me His love...not being open to the ways in which He really wants to love me.

I'll be honest, I have been so tempted to give up serving God in the church I attend. I've so often felt like I serve and serve, or give and give and get so little in return. And I feel horrible thinking that the reason I serve is to be credited. That is not the person i want to be. I desire to give and serve humbly , without condition. Reciprocation is unnecessary. I have the freedom to serve - to love a God who's grace I will NEVER deserve. How can i be so selfish. It is a huge blessing to LOVE HIM. I've been looking in the wrong places.

Another thing to remember...patience. Although I feel so liberated in the fact that God has really opened my eyes about serving and His plan and way of blessing us, I've realized that God still does bless us with the desires of our hearts as long as HE is first (Psalm 37:4) ...I just need to be patient. (Romans 12:12, 8:25)
This past weekend, I went to Breakforth in Edmonton. This is a huge conference for learning about ministry and joining with 1000's of other christians all there to seek the Kingdom of God!
What an incredible God we serve! HOSANNA! YOU ARE THE GOD WHO SAVES US! WORTHY OF ALL OUR PRAISES! I went to sessions mostly about worship leading and what not. What incredible people God has called to this mission. Amazing worship sessions lead by Paul Baloche, Mercy Me, Kathryn Scott. WOW! I also went to a dance session but there were so many other areas of sessions you could participate in too! I feel like I've gotten to see a little piece of heaven. I can't imagine the real thing...brings me to tears.
Well.... here's where patience plays a part. I was saying about how I've often felt ... like I've got nothing back or that I'm not all that encouraged with the ministry I'm involved in. WELL... guess what... it took awhile but who cares! The church payed and sent me to BREAKFORTH. I just needed to be patient. This is the most encouraging and wonderful thing the Church could have done for me.

We are so undeserving, yet our God blesses us. We fail Him, yet He encourages us always. We turn from Him, yet He loves us unconditionally. We are nothing without Him.

I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.
Psalm 108:3